A long way from 135
135 is the weight I’d like to be. I’m nowhere near that. let’s pretend 135 is the name of the highway I want to be on. As far as I know, I live by highways 101, 280, 92, 35, 85, 1…and quick search reveals that there is a Texas State Highway 135 that runs from Gladewater to Jacksonville in East Texas. That is about how close I am to my ideal weight. Even if we go with the nearest State Highway 135 in CA, it’s all the way in Santa Barbara. Still not on my map. Stellar. I think I’ll eat a cake. Oh no wait, I alreaady did that.
So, I don’t know what diet those guys who had an MMA were on, but as far as I can see, they lost 10 lbs after surgery and kept it off. I obviously took a different boat. I lost 10 lbs then went on a mission to find it and anything else in my way. Woe is me, I know, but I don’t get it. When I am distraught, I don’t eat. But uncomfortable? Serve it up five ways, deep fry it and give me a fork (or spoon these days). So when I migrated from horrible pain to horrible discomfort, I migrated from a soft pillow to rest my head on to a soft cake and nearest utensil (lots of times my fingers). Sounds gross. Well, looks gross too. And every week I say: Wow, this is the biggest I’ve ever been. And every week I am not lying.
I’m going to have to find a new way of dealing with stress. Domestic stress=me in ball on floor/under bed/under covers or madly cleaning the house (Court, don’t get ANY ideas from that!) so it’s not that one. Work stress does not = more food consumption since I can usually substitute a big cup of cranberry water with a straw and I can’t really work and eat at the same time since my job is talking to people. So it’s just my own stupid discomfort and it feeds itself. I hurt? I eat. I eat, I gain weight. I gain weight, I get upset. I am upset, I eat. EVEN WTH MY JAW BANDED SHUT! And now even with the inability to CHEW!!!! I have found numerous ways to get the calories in, and every way to get the calories to go away seems to cause physical discomfort (wind on face nerve problem not condusive to exercise outside and cardio inside usually means DDR or Wii which requires sharp bopping head movement which can sometimes lead to pain) so I eat.
This has GOT to stop. I’m embarrassed to leave the house. I’m embarrassed to go to work. I don’t want to visit friends who have not seen me since before the surgery because I know the first thing they will see is the extra poundage. And don’t try to tell me I’m wrong because I’m not. You also don’t have to tell me I’m right because I am and it sucks. It’s bad when I look back at pictures I absolutely cringed at that I now think “gee…and I thought I was overweight THEN.” Too bad you can’t lose weight in your sleep. I certainly run around a lot in my dreams! That should count for something dontcha think?
March 11th, 2007 at 8:05 am
Shelby,
Trust me I know the cycle is hard to break. REALLY hard. I used to eat cuz I was bored, or happy, or sad, or angry, or stressed, or because I just happened to be in the kitchen.
And now, I WANT to eat when I’m bored, or happy, or sad, or angry, or stressed, or simply in the kitchen; but I realize now that I’m not “hungry” just “wanty” and drink some ice water instead.
I still WANT to eat even though I don’t NEED to eat and I still break down sometimes (pizza = yummy; but I wind up eating WAAAY more than I ought).
It took a VERY long time to get to that point. Hell, it took being TWICE what I ought to weigh and being diagnosed with hypertension by my dentist to even want to deal with the excess weight (for the second time in my life).
The progression from eating “because” to choosing not to eat “because” was torturous. There was quite a while after making the decision to lose the weight where I thought, “I’m not hungry, but I want to eat ‘because’. Should I?” “No.” “Oh, hmm, no that doesn’t work I’m gonna eat ‘because’, so there.” Then I felt like crap (emotionally and physically) later as I’d eaten when I didn’t NEED to.
Eventually, I got to: “I’m not hungry, but I want to eat ‘because’. Should I?” “No.” “Oh, hmm, okay, let’s close the fridge. But I want to eat ‘because’. Should I?” “Ah, what the hell you only live once.”
Finally, I was able to get to: “I’m not hungry, but I want to eat ‘because’. Should I?” “No.” “Oh, hmm, okay, let’s close the fridge and have some ice water.” But it took months to get there.
Little things make a big difference: having some lo-cal (needn’t be lo-taste) ice cream instead of that piece of cake can save a hundred calories (or more depending on the size of the slice and how much frosting is on it) or a mile (or more) of walking.
Friends and family often don’t realize that saying, “Damn you’re letting yourself go” is likely only to make you want to eat more. Let ‘em know that.
Influence cannot come from “outside” it has to come from “inside.” YOU have to be willing to get from “I ought to lose weight” to “I HAVE to lose weight” to “I am actively working to lose my excess weight.”
Figuring out WHY you eat when you know you needn’t is the biggest step to stopping the cycle. That one can take a lot of introspection and reflection. And it can be quite painful. But it helps.
In the end, though, losing weight comes down to the acceptance of a simple formula that you can look at in two different ways:
Eat fewer calories than you use.
OR
Use more calories than you eat.
If you can’t stop eating so much: exercise more. If you can’t exercise more: stop eating so much.
If you’re gaining weight, you’re eating more than you need to. One thing that can help is a “food diary.” It needn’t be fancy; it really needn’t track more than calories (no need for fats, carbs, fiber, sodium). I keep a sheet of paper and a pen/pencil with me; when I eat, I write down what I ate and how many calories (the web is a great resource). It keeps me “honest.”
When I started that, it wasn’t there to be judge and jury. I didn’t change my eating habits. I simply wrote down what, when, and how much. When I started really looking at it, though I realized I was eating way more than I needed, and that really jump-started my desire to eat “appropriately.”
Maybe that’d help you? Write down everything you eat and drink for a week (but ignore the calories) (maybe start a new sheet for each day, don’t let the past get in the way). Don’t try to outsmart yourself, don’t judge yourself, just eat and drink normally and write it all down. After a week, gather all the paper together when you have some quiet alone time. And look at what you’re eating and drinking and how much you’re eating and drinking. Then try to figure out if you ate/drank “incorrectly” and WHY. Be honest with yourself. It’s hard, but it has to happen.
If you ate/drank a “normal” amount then the next week do the same exercise, but at the end of the week try to find out how many calories you ate and drank. And again try to figure out if/why you ate “incorrectly.”
If your health-care covers it: talk to a nutritionist or health-educator. Bring your food diaries. For me, having a professional take a look from “outside” with no judgement, just advice, helped me understand certain things about why I was doing what I was (primarily with the carb/sugar/insulin cycle).
Changing 30+ years of eating habits is TOUGH. I still, after a year of work, have to consciously choose what and how much to eat. I’m always aware of calories — though I sometimes make a conscious decision to ignore them and accept the consequences.
I wish you the best! And let me know if you need support; I’m here for ya!
-rg-
March 11th, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Thank you Robert. You know you’re awesome, right?