Gone
Scanned over 100 pictures in with my new scanner *joy*…and got nostaglic. I miss my friends. I’ve missed them for a while, but I have been on a big stinky pity pot for a long time and thought I was “protecting” them from the epic saga of my life. Made a bunch of phone calls today. Found out some people’s #’s have changed. That’s how long I have been out of touch with people. I don’t even know they’ve moved. Or maybe I knew…and I forgot since I never talk to them or see them anymore.
Let’s get this straight: I appreciate the friends I have. I love the people in my life. I am not tracking down random people just to see if they remember me. I am calling friends from only a few years back…and I am pretty sure they are not going to call me back. Have I pissed people off? Do they just not care? Did I “resurface” too many times and too briefly in the past nd they just gave up? Those three options…I feel that way about myself. If I didn’t have so many wonderful people in my life, today would be a very very very sad day. As it is, today is just very sad. I removed a couple very’s in case someone returns my call. Pitiful.
Most of the people I lost touch with got married and had kids. I have not felt comfortable visiting babies for years, and I don’t know how many times I cancelled on Gramps because I was afraid I’d give him whatever I had that day. When I had sleep apnea I got every cold that passed by and mutated it into something horrendous since I couldn’t sleep and heal. Sadly, I didn’t know that was why I was so sick all the time, so neither could they have known, and my lack of attendance to weddings, showers, and post birth visits just came off as indifference on my part.
I am super snobby about sickness. If you feel sick, DO NOT come to work. DO NOT come to my house. DO NOT visit old people and babies. DO NOT go to a movie…try not to get on a plane even! COVER YOUR FREAKING MOUTH when you cough, and don’t use your hand to do it unless you have sterilizing goop or a sink nearby. Take care of yourself on the front end so that you both recover faster and don’t spread your ickness all over the place. I feel strongly about this for two reasons. First, selfishly, I know I will get your cold and second, I know that I have MAJOR guilt issues regarding calling in sick, so when I do get your cold, it will not only make me physically ill, but my mental health will suffer because the words “Sheby, you freaking SUCK” will echo in my head every day I have your cold and I will really really debate breaking my own rules. I have my rules, but geez, when one day a week is a sick day because the sore throat I woke up with EVERY MORNING OF MY LIFE finally cultivated some random bacteria and I feel worse than normal, I really wondered if I was only psychologically sick and called myself all sorts of names. Here are some: Lame. Lazy. Selfish. Annoying. Irresponsible. Not worth it. F*ed up. Horrible. One who should die soon and rid the planet of self. Pitiful. Irritating. Waste of space. Stupid. Dumb. Moron. Incompetent. Now look all thos up in good old Roget’s Thesaurus and I used all the synonyms as well…on a thrice hourly basis. When I got tired of hating myself, I would take a nap. When I woke up, I’d just start over.
So I didn’t attend weddings or bridal showers or baby showers or post birth visits because I didn’t want to get anyone sick. I didn’t tell them that because I thought it was a cop out even though I really did feel awful. And now they are not in my life anymore and here I am crying about it. UGH! Yet another pity pot. I’m getting off. I guess I have to get used to people being gone and appreciate when they were here.
All my love,
me