Lips Like Sugar
Okay not really lips like sugar. More: lips like dry desert with side of burning pain. I am just gunna say here that I think if my lips are going to be numb, I would like them to be numb…none of this I can feel the skin stuff. What’s up with that? I mean, if things are numb, why can’t they just be numb? I’m sure if it was the other way around I would wish differently…Oh well. My lips drink vaseline. That’s gross. But I slather it on, and 5 minutes later I need to reapply. Ok moving on.
Court put pizza in a blender for me! Pizza pizza pizza! It was actually the top of the pizza (so no crust) and it was a frozen pizza…so it was practice for the Zachary’s pizza that is going to show up at my house any day now. Right? Right? Oh what am I thinking? I know, I have to go get it myself. It’s weird. I somehow thought I would have more visitors…
I feel like such a brat. I mean, it’s a PLANNED surgery, right? So it’s not like I was SUDDENLY taken ill. I had plenty of time to prepare for this…kind of like pregnancy I guess. But afterwards, I got a cute bundle of pain that eats baby food and not a baby people would want to come and hold.
I really thought my dad would come over and bring me soup. I miss him. I also miss his soup. Whaaa. I think I am going to meet Anne over there next week and order soup. So there. I think I am way PMSing. So read with caution. Having something that takes a long time to recover from is very difficult. And since I look almost fine from the outside, it’s hard to believe (even to myself) that I am in so much pain…or discomfort. Ache. Deep ache. Distracting ache. But not really pain. Just sucky state. Like a back injury. People are sympathetic until they start wondering “aren’t you better yet?” and the sad thing is, the person with the injury is wondering the same thing. So they do things that maybe they shouldn’t because “Aren’t I better yet?” and that sets them back in recovery. Pain is so much more than physical. Good thing your brain does such a good job of forgetting.
I know I am a sucky friend. Ever since my sleep problem started to get overwhelming, I checked out. I haven’t seen friends’ babies. I never send Christmas cards (despite my best intentions). I stopped transferring birthdays from one calendar to the next. I kept thinking “as soon as I am better I’ll be back!” I didn’t want to burden people with my problems. People don’t really want to hear about problems all the time. I honestly thought I would just step away for a moment and come back new and improved.
That moment has stretched out over 4 years now. And I have had periods of “I’m back!” which was a big tease and a big disappointment. Like when I was misdiagnosed with Narcolepsy. I was back when I started my treatment! Who cares I had a sprained ankle that WOULDN’T heal, I was dropping weight like a mother, I looked like I’d been hit in the nose because of my black eyes…I was back! Until I wasn’t.
So after moving far away from my home (far enough that my life patterns have completely shifted, er, stopped) I find out I really CAN get better and I jump on the CURE bus and begin my journey which supposedly ended with surgery, but really should be ending after recovery from surgery. But it’s a slow bus. And when you put your life on hold to ride the bus, I guess you start to think about what’s important and what’s not and then when you figure that out you wonder how you can get the important stuff back and you realise it may be gone for good. But FRUSTRATINGLY you cannot start trying to work on that important stuff now because you’re STILL ON THE BUS and even though there is a stop with your name on it, it may not be the place you thought you were going and then what? Put everything on hold again? Lose more of the important stuff?
I’ve lost many many friends…or at least lost touch with many people…and I am afraid to reach out now because I’m not sure who I am and I can’t make any promises. I guess if they were that important they’d still be around…so say some people. I know I stepped off the face of the Earth and it’s my responsibility to put myself back on…but
DUDE. Pity Pot anyone?
Yeah. okay. Pain sucks. Chronic pain sucks more. Because it doesn’t have to hurt as much but it ends up hurting more.
January 27th, 2007 at 11:21 am
Hi Shelby,
I believe you have hit the duldrums head on. I haven’t had my surgery yet but I get what you are saying about the friends thing. I have been pretty sleepy for about 12 years and really have to muster up energy to do much of anything. It takes all my energy just to do the mom/wife thing and keep up the house. I don’t think that I am doing a particularly good job with what I do manage to do.
As far as friends go, thank GOD for email. I can email when I am coherent and they can answer when it is convenient. You true friends will understand or at least be tolerant of your limitations. Maybe when you are all through healing and are sleeping/feeling better you can throw yourself a big recoming out party.
By the way, thanks for posting new pics. I have been following your postings closely. I am currently putting in the braces time in prep for surgery late summer. I also have a blog – apneamom@blogspot.com. The posting are infrequent right now because nothing much is happening. My hope is that when I am all “fixed” I will have a blog that documents my whole journey from MP3 through MMA – from a woman’s perspective.
Hang in there. By the way, have you noticed that Kelloggs has come out with protein water? I got to sample them at Costco last week – the lemon is great! The other flavors taste like weak Koolaid to me. Too bad no pizza flavor!
I know that you have been craving flavors – have you thought about thai coconut soup? At my fav restaurant here it tastes fantastic and has chunks of soft tofu in it – could be easily blended and would add some extra protein. Just a thought. Hmmm, may have to get some for myself today.
Anne
January 30th, 2007 at 11:21 pm
Anne,
Thank you so so so very much for your reply to my post. First of all, protein water and thai coconut soup are on my shopping list for tomorrow! Thank you!
Secondly (and more importantly) it means a lot to me that you are reading this in prep for your own surgery…I guess that’s why we blog, right? For posterity?
Well, I am shortly going to be posting more pix…but none are so effective as the first week, right?
How are your braces going? What do you miss just based upon having those? It’s funny what you learn to appreciate when you lose it. Lucky us that we see a future that has all those things back.
I’m going to check out your blog too! I’ll subscribe to your rss feed if you have one.
Good luck! Thank you again for writing. It is so nice to know that someone is relating to all this stuff.
Also, re: the friends thing: it goes both ways I know…I checked out and then got scared to check back in for fear I’d “relapse” or something… I think I will have a back in action party. That sounds great. You’re invited! When is your surgery scheduled? What surgeon are you working with? Where do you live?
Bes,
Shelby
February 2nd, 2007 at 1:45 am
Hi Shelby,
This is starting to feel like a real conversation! Did you get some coconut soup? Great stuff.
I have a request. When you post new pics could you include more preop shots? Full face and profile? I am always curious about facial changes with this huge surgery. I need to post pics on my blog.
The braces are a bitch! I have trouble chewing because the overbite is really annoying – yet not advanced enough to proceed with surgery. The elastics make my teeth ache and give me tension headaches. But, if they get me where I need to be for surgery I will be glad for them – someday. I look forward to being about 6 months post surgery with no sleepiness, no dark circles, straight teethBy the way, I laughed out loud about the chin point thing. I look forward to having my own chin point (even if it winds up being a silicone one).
I live in North Alabama and am seeing an oral surgeon named Gary Hudson. He has a great reputation here. I am a nurse so the first thing I did when I was told I needed an oral surgeon was call my medical contacts. They unanimously endorsed him. If you read my blog you will see that I met someone who had the surgery a few months ago with him, in the same hospital, and LOVED her outcome.
Where are you located? I would love to attend your party – even if it is by internet!
Ciao,
Anne
February 3rd, 2007 at 2:46 am
You’re so funny. I did read about your “new friend”. That must have been awesome! To see someone face to face and see that they don’t look like open cast call for Planet of the Apes…and are sleeping well and all the things we dare to dream.
I am in California on the peninsula. I was lucky enough to move here, knew Stanford’s sleep clinic was awesome, and fast tracked myself here all in about 2 years. Crazy!
I have been mentioning to Court that I would like to scan in pics as early as high school when I got my first round of braces and the really bad sleep deprivation began… So thank you for requesting…I will most certainly prioritize that, especially since it’s not just me wanting to do it. YOu know how that goes.
I got some coconut milk and am going to make some soup at home (a friend gave me a recipe she loves). I’ll probably break down and go to a restaurant though… Court and I went to Indian buffet today and since we’re regulars they didn’t charge me for just getting spoonfuls of sauces. Oh that was a delight for my tastebuds! I can kind of eat rice (since I got the braces rice has been a pain to get out from between the brackets) and the paneer (the Indian cheese) was sooo good because I could squish it into a scrambled egg consistency.
The rubber bands certainly always seem like evil torture tools…and they look so innocent and harmless in their cute little baggies. But we of the braces know better. The smaller the band, the deeper the ache. Good luck surviving those! I also had teeth pulled so they had a lot of rubber band fun before my suergry…but I was in surgery 6 months SOONER than planned…and I do believe it’s because I wore my bands as if my life depended on it. My ortho said my teeth would slide “like beads on a string”, which I am sure she thought sounded poetic but to me sounded (and lo and behold felt) very very painful.
Someday we’ll look back at this and laugh…
February 3rd, 2007 at 9:19 pm
I also had my two lower bicuspids pulled to help accomodate pulling back my front teeth. Those nasty little elastics DO look innocent but we of the metal mouth club know better. Beads on a string sounds good, my teeth are kicking and screaming (oh, no, that’s just me!) resisting moving. I was really looking forward to getting over this surgery this spring, now late summer. You went 6 months early, I am bumped 6 months – I am sure there is some law of nature that is causing this to keep everything in balance.
If your coconut soup recipe turns out well please share. I am always looking for good recipes.
I am whipped, time for bed.
I hope you rest well tonight.
Anne